why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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