i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
