Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
