4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
