At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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