I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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