I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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