i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
