Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
