i think i have two assholes
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
