a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
