I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Im part way to drunk.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
