My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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