WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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