so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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