3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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