I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
