you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
