I'm eating all of the evidence.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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