Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
this boner is exhausting
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
