we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
