he was CRYING into my vagina
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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