I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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