You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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