WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
