Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
