She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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