I'm laying in your front yard are you home
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
