I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
i came on her dog
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
