nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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