No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just googled if crying burns calories
It's official drugs can't kill me
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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