woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
