i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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