He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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