Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
