Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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