my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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