She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
