was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
