drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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