the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
