He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
A bitchslap is in order.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
