there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
