I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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