yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
