The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
