from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
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