If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
