I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
