I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
