I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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