the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
