all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
