Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Dick very happy bro
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
