Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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