Define "chronic" masturbator.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
That accounts for only three of the penises
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize