i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Boobs speak an international language.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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