I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
