he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
