I'd wear matching sweaters with you
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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