guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
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